A Day in the Life of Lou Dobbs, CNN's Patriotic Border Warrior

“6:00 am: I wake up from a horrifying nightmare in which I am being pursued by hordes of two-headed, four-legged Mexicans...”

By Pius Adesanmi
Narco News Contributing Satirist

October 20, 2007

6:00 am: I wake up from a horrifying nightmare in which I am being pursued by hordes of two-headed, four-legged Mexicans.

6:30 am: I go to the shower, cursing George Bush under my breath for his administration’s inability to effectively police our borders and rid us of the Mexicans who have been haunting my dreams.

7:00 am: Breakfast. My coffee is not as hot as I like it. I must remember to tell Pablo Consuelos, my new cook, to maintain my coffee at the right temperature.

7:30 am: I notice some stains on the living room carpet as I walk to the garage. Looks like my Venezuelan housemaid has become careless. I must fire her soon. I hear Hondurans make far better housemaids…

8:00 am: Today is a bad day. Eduardo, my Cuban chauffeur, did not report for work. He did not phone in either. I am driving myself to work.

8:30 am: Arrive at the office. Things are a bit messy. The Peruvian janitors have done a shabby job as usual. I’ve told CNN to hire Hondurans but they never listen.

9:00 am: Meeting with Kitty Pilgrim, Kelly Arena, Joe Johns, Dave Mattingly, and other correspondents to see how they are faring on today’s stories about the Mexican invasion. Note to myself: I’m thinking of transferring Joe to the new Ecuador desk. There are too many kwashiorkor-ridden Ecuadorians sneaking into the country while we focus our attention and resources on Mexicans.

9: 30 am: Meeting with Professor Samuel Huntington. We want to run previews of his new research into the Mexican origins of hurricane Katrina and 9-11. If negotiations work out well, we could run the previews daily for the next five months. Everyone is focusing on the Arabs and Middle Easterners. Nobody is exploring the Hispanic dimension to terror and natural disasters. That’s why Professor Huntington’s new work is so important.

11:30 am: Successful meeting with Prof Huntington! I must hurry to another meeting over lunch with researchers from the Johns Hopkins Center for Tuberculosis Research. I’ve secured some private funding and I’m trying to convince them to undertake serious scientific research into the biological linkages between Hispanic culture in the United States and tuberculosis. That could be a groundbreaking contribution to knowledge. Now that my theory that Hispanic immigrants are responsible for leprosy in the US has been undermined by malevolent liberals, I have to turn my attention to tuberculosis.

12:30 pm: Unsuccessful meeting with the Johns Hopkins group. The cowards chickened out at the last minute. Woolly-headed liberals and leftist extremists masquerading as scholars on campus must have intimidated them. I must schedule and urgent meeting with David Horowitz and Alan Dershowitz. We can’t have this kind of nonsense in our campuses. Dershowitz, especially, must be looking for new preoccupations after his brilliant work on the Norman Finkelstein dossier.

1:00 pm: Back in the office. I’m still hungry because I did not enjoy lunch with the Johns Hopkins researchers. Order takeout beef quesadillas from Taco Bell.

1:30 pm: Colombian coffee and Cuban cigar break.

2:00 pm: Brief meeting with Senator Joseph Lieberman, Chairman of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security. They just aren’t doing enough to secure our borders. Well, I guess the Senator is willing but his options are constrained by the half-witted, soft-on-terror Democrats controlling the senate.

2:30 pm: Phone James Gilchrist of The Minuteman Project to follow up on his scheduled appearance on our show next week.

3:00 pm: Meeting with my lawyers. I’m looking into the possibility of suing Univision for defamation. Lately, they’ve allowed guests on their shows to label me a racist. Some even make the absurd claim that I’m obsessed with Mexicans and Hispanics. Obsession my foot! It beats me that a patriotic campaign to protect our borders against illegal immigration can be so easily misconstrued by people wielding the race card. I’ll sue their dumb asses. Only a 70-million dollar suit would take care of the emotional pain and sorrow they’ve caused me.

4:00 pm: Attend a working session of the National Committee for the Eradication of Spanglish, Tex-Mex, Ebonics, and Other Aberrant Linguistic Practices. I’ve recently been nominated honorary life president of the committee.

5:00 pm: Back in the office for a small party CNN is organizing to celebrate an important anniversary in my career. Today, we are broadcasting the one-millionth episode of Broken Borders. I hope Ed Lavendera, Betty Nguyen, Rick Sanchez, Sanjay Gupta, Don Lemon, and Soledad O’Brien all make it to the party. This is the most significant milestone in my career. I’ve also sent invitations to Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly, nice folks from Fox.

6:00 pm: Special anniversary broadcast of Broken Borders begins. One million episodes already! Unbelievable.

7:00 pm: End of broadcast. The ratings should begin to pour in presently. 10 million viewers? Perhaps 20 million? We’ll know tomorrow. Long drive home. What a day. I’ll skip dinner.

9:00 pm: Note to myself before going to bed: order Ruth Sachs’s biography of Adolf Eichmann from Amazon.com tomorrow. Somehow, there’s got to be some kind of solution to this nagging Hispanic question.

10:00 pm: Lights out! I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Midnight: Good gracious! The two-headed, four-legged Mexicans are back… somebody dial 911 Please!

Pius Adesanmi is an associate professor of English at Carlton University in Ottawa.

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